My future car, that is all I have to say.

(via simplysophie23)

Me back in the day, and that day would be roughly 3 years ago. Senior Ball I really have come along way from there.

Ever had a dream? Of course you have, but have you ever had a similar trend of dreams over and over again. For me it started out as a nightmare and a torment, but now its just a dull pain of remembrance. It can really stop anytime now I get it I learned my lesson from that situation. I also know its a desire buried deep in my heart but there isn’t a damn thing I can do and I have accepted that. So if my brain is listening, please change the channel.

What would you sacrifice to protect what you consider most important in this world; whether it be your beliefs or what/ or whom you love most? My answer is everything, especially for those I love. You never give up on what you believe in, not if it truly means that much to you. No matter what the pain and no matter what the cost. That way even if you it costs you your life you can have no regrets about your choice. 

My observation of the day is people just never truly show who they are to people. I want to first state that this is not a criticism, but as I said an observation. We all do it, whether we realize it or not. Sure, we are more open with some than others. Yet we always hide a good deal of ourselves away. Lies we have told, things we are afraid will get out, and other such things are just a few examples. Some people don’t even know who they are which makes the problem that much more difficult.  The reason we do this is because we are afraid, we are afraid of being hurt.

I am speaking of myself as well as I think about this. For as long as I can remember I was picked on and made fun of. The pain no matter how much you take never goes away. Yeah you become accustomed to it but it hurts. So I toughened myself and became meaner to deal with the pain and those who were mean to me. As of more recent times I was hurt so badly I totally shut my hurt away. I encased the thing in a glaciers worth of ice so no one could touch it and so i wouldn’t be able to feel. This in retrospect was a horrible choice. I haven’t shown people who I really am in a long time, they may have seen glimpses of it but thats like seeing a rain drop and saying its the ocean. I don’t know who I really am anymore, so I don’t know if people would accept me for who I really am if they gave me that chance.

So I challenge myself now to find out who I really am. Am I a kind person, am I a monster, what is important to me? Maybe we all should take sometime to look deep and see who we really are, whats important to us, and what we hold dear. Let’s put aside fear for a time and see what lies in the depths of ourselves.

What is a hero? What is a a good person? What is it to even be a decent person? This has been plaguing my mind of late. I at one point in my life wanted to be a hero, someone that protected and made a difference. It seems for a long time now all I have been able to do is hurt and make others suffer. I hate that I do it, it disgusts me to no end. My heart breaks ever more as I do it. It seems I will never be able to do anything to make amends for all of the shit I have done. All I ever wanted to be was the knight who saves the damsel in distress, and protects her and loves her like no one else ever could. In the end all I have done is made myself a monster.

I know I am no hero, I have come to that realization. The truth is I want to be a good person. I want to find someone and treat them like I have always dreamed of. I doubt that it will ever happen. I am to broken and freaking foolish to ever do right… I don’t know what to do anymore.

“A tale is only as good as its final events, the plot twist. And mistakes are an important part of the plot too! I lived my life believing my lessons are what honed me. In return… I swore to accomplish a deed so great it would obliterate all my past failures… and die a splendid shinobi!” I wish I could do the same as him….